chronic and persistent logorrhea

Recently declassified satellite photos show the extent of polar ice loss…click image for details

These images were taken one year apart, by the way…

Woman found dead inside machine at McDonald’s processing plant…click image for details

An infected worker at a Quad Cities-area McDonald’s, too lazy to wash his hands, exposes thousands to hepatitis A…click image for details

Check the date and location on that flier…this isn’t the first time this has happened…

Unprotected sex with Tijuana hookers might not be the best idea, disease-wise…click image for details

Yes, it’s got nice hotels, but public intoxication and sex outside marriage are illegal…click image for details

Even monkeys can recognize bad grammar…click illiterate saltines for details

isn’t that what got us into this economic predicament in the first place?

but hey, go ahead and charge that fiddle...you can always pay for it later, right?

but little else, apparently…click on ad for full story

guantánamo detainees…and, by extension, all non-u.s. citizens…could be imprisoned indefinitely…even if tried and acquitted…click image for details

wasn’t obama supposed to close guantánamo back in january?

background: on wednesday, i found out i had to quit smoking…if you know me, you know how difficult that was to hear…if you don’t know me, i smoked between 2 and 4 packs a day for 9 years…however, being diagnosed with (very) early-stage copd at age 24 is an incredibly powerful motivator to quit for good…

so, i had my last cigarette wednesday night…but as i can’t yet live without nicotine, i’ve been experimenting with a variety of replacement devices…i don’t care what allan carr said, cold turkey is not the easiest way to go (and anyway, he died of lung cancer, in my opinion destroying his credibility as a quit-smoking guru)…my opinions are as follows…

e-cigarette: sold at a kiosk at the mall by douchey, hair-gelled, in-your-face salesmen, because it takes unshakeable cockiness to use one of these in front of people…e-cigarettes look absolutely ludicrious up close…i’m ashamed to be seen using it in public, so it’s helping me break the habit of reaching reflexively for a cigarette…heavy, so i can’t hold it the same way i’m used to-and i don’t like smoking like a guy, i can’t gesture with it…more temperamental than a rapidograph pen…however, it does heat up a tobacco-flavored nicotine solution into vapor that approximates smoke…thus providing the closest experience to smoking a real cigarette

rating: a-…what i’ve always imagined using a fleshlight to be like…satisfying enough at the time, but i feel rather foolish once i’m done…and still holding it in my hand…

nicotine lozenge: tastes like a cross between altoids and mint tums…irritates the gums, causes heartburn, jitteriness…but the strongest dose of nicotine, by far…i alternate these with the e-cigarette

rating: b+…best solution for nicotine cravings, but not for assuaging the psychological dependence on the act of smoking

nicotine gum: like picking a cigarette butt out of an ashtray and chewing on it

rating: f(oul)

nicotine patches: obviously invented by a non-smoker…as anyone who’s ever smoked knows, it gives you little jolts of nicotine, not an imperceptible stream…does nothing to simulate any portion of the act of smoking…and causes rashes to boot

rating: f-…seriously, has anyone ever actually quit using these?

summary: nicotine lozenges offer the most bang for your buck, and they’re discreet…but if you’re unusually dependent on cigarettes, spring for an e-cigarette…they’re not cheap, but thanks to that hypocrite obama’s tax increase, they pay for themselves in no time…

or, even better, smoke in moderation and your lungs won’t give out before your 25th birthday…